Two Gryffindors Walk Into a Bar
by Austinwoods
Summary: When James and Sirius spot some shady-looking Slytherins heading down Knockturn Alley, they decide to take matters-and drinks-into their own hands. Oneshot.


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter

**Two Gryffindors Walk Into a Bar**

"Hey, Prongs. Does it look like Avery and Mulciber are up to no good, or am I losing it?"

"Probably both," James said. He was only half paying attention to Sirius. The new Cleansweep had just been released, and it was practically winking at him through the window of Quality Quidditch Supplies.

"They just turned down Knockturn Alley," Sirius said in a hushed tone.

"Mmm."

Sirius slapped him on the arm.

"Ouch! What?"

"We should follow them!" Sirius said earnestly.

"Why?" James asked.

"Because what if they're going to a secret Death Eater meeting?"

"Then we're going to get killed if we walk into the middle of it."

Sirius sighed theatrically. "Where's your Gryffindor courage, mate? Fine, you stay here with your knickers in a twist, I'm going to hunt some dark wizards."

James started to complain, but settled for biting out a swear as Sirius dashed across the street and into Knockturn Alley. With a quick look around to make sure nobody he knew was watching, James took off after his friend. Seconds after entering the alley, he had to skid to a stop in order to prevent himself from careening into Sirius's back. His best friend was peering around a corner intently.

"Merlin, Sirius. What's wrong with you?" James asked his friend quietly.

"Shut it, Prongs. We're on the hunt." Sirius replied.

"On the hunt? Why do you care what Avery and Mulciber spend their summer nights doing?"

"We've got to do our part against You-Know-Who!" Sirius said adamantly.

"We're still students," James complained. He was getting increasingly exasperated at Sirius's antics.

"Yeah, but we're of age," Sirius said.

"That doesn't mean we should wander off into Death Eater Central first chance we get."

"Shh, they just went into that bar." There was a small pause, and then Sirius's tone turned mischievous. "We should go in after them."

James's eyes widened at the thought of Sirius in a shady bar, but before he could tell his friend what he thought of that idea, it was too late. He caught a glimpse of Sirius's rapidly-receding form heading towards the entrance to the establishment in question, and then his friend had been swallowed into its murky depths.

It was times like this that James hated being a Marauder. He would have preferred to just turn around and go home for the evening, but there was a code amongst them. When one of them ran off into trouble, the rest had to follow, and seeing as James was the only other member present.

"Damn it, Sirius."

James felt his skin crawl as some of the nearby occupants of the alley stared at him. He quickly made after his friend, and let out a breath as he arrived in the relative safety of the darkened bar. The place was either in disrepair, or had never been very pretty to begin with. It wasn't quite on the level of the Shrieking Shack, but it made the Hog's Head look like the Three Broomsticks.

"_Psst!_"

James nearly had a heart attack as a rogue hand gripped him by the arm. His wand was halfway out of his robes when he saw that it was Sirius who had snuck up behind him, a prankster's smile on his face.

"Bugger off," James told him, not the least bit amused.

"Oh lighten up." Sirius inclined his head towards a booth in the rear of the room. "Our two friends are having drinks over there. I think I might have a bit of a thirst myself." Sirius traipsed off towards the bar without another word.

James sighed again, and slid into a booth near the front door. He made sure to position himself so that he could keep an eye on both their targets and the entrance, just in case. A few patrons cast him suspicious glances, but they quickly lost interest in him, returning to drinks that looked more like failed potions experiments than sustenance.

"Cheers big fella!" Sirius smashed a bottle of firewhisky and two splotched glasses down on the table. He wasted no time cracking the bottle open and pouring a generous helping for himself and James.

"Couldn't have settled for butterbeer?" James asked, eying his glass warily.

"D'you think they _serve_ butterbeer here?" Sirius replied.

"Good point."

They clinked glasses and drank. James took a small sip and winced at the burning in the back of his throat. Sirius, meanwhile finished the entirety of his drink in a single swig, and reached for the bottle. He poured another glass and emptied half of it, meeting James's surprised expression with a roguish smile.

"I never do anything halfway, Prongs."

"And don't I wish you did," James muttered quietly.

Behind Sirius, Avery and Mulciber had been joined by a third man. This wizard was dressed in a dark cloak with his hood up. In a normal place, his attire and mannerisms would have screamed "up-to-no-good," but that seemed to be par for the course around here.

James gave Sirius a pointed look, and then flicked his eyes toward the trio. Sirius's eyes narrowed and he cast a furtive glance at the group.

"Think they're talking about dark magic?" Sirius asked earnestly.

"Er—maybe?" James responded.

Sirius nodded sagely. "Probably."

"I think maybe we should go," James said. He was more than a little uncomfortable with the present company. He may be a troublemaker at Hogwarts, but there was a big difference between pulling some pranks and doing anything truly sinister.

Sirius gave him a disappointed look that would have put his mother to shame. James gritted his teeth, but didn't say anything as he stayed rooted to the spot.

"This stuff is actually pretty decent," Sirius said, emptying his second glass and pouring a third. James's own drink sat untouched since his original sip.

"I think maybe you should slow down."

"I think maybe you think too much, Prongs." Sirius downed his next glass and let out a contented sigh.

"If Moony were here he'd be lecturing you right now," James pointed out.

"Well too bad it's his time of the month then. Besides, you're doing a pretty good job lecturing me yourself." Sirius seemed to blow a cloud of alcohol across the table, and James waved a hand to clear the air.

"Er—right. Still feels odd not to be helping him out with his transformation." Professor Slughorn had started providing their friend with a potion that helped him keep a level head during his transformation. According to Remus it made the actual act of transforming the worst part of the night, and there wasn't much that the rest of them could do about that.

Whether Sirius hadn't heard his statement, or was just uninterested in responding, James wasn't sure. Regardless, a moment of silence passed before his friend suddenly perked up.

"Hey, you think we should get some girls over here? I don't want anyone getting an ideas about us, y'know what I'm sayin'?" Before James could voice his complaint, Sirius had jumped out of the booth and towards the bar.

James forced himself to stare straight ahead and say nothing. Were they in Hogsmeade, James would have simply grabbed Sirius and dragged him out of the bar, but he didn't want to attract anymore attention than was necessary in their current environment. Sirius's increasing volume had already attracted a few dark looks, but luckily none of them had come from the three dark wizards sitting in the back.

A few minutes passed and James started to worry that Sirius had somehow gotten lost between the booth and the bar. A number of new patrons had filed in since the arrival of the two Gryffindors, and James couldn't make out his friend in the throng of people that had congregated around the bar. He kicked himself for not thinking to bring the mirror that he used to communicate with Sirius. He hadn't thought he would need it, considering they were supposed to be together, but he had known his friend long enough that he ought to have foreseen something like this happening.

"Whatcha lookin' so down for, Prongs?"

James snapped his eyes up to find Sirius sliding into the booth with a particularly... saucy-looking witch. She appeared to be a few years older than them, but the difference wasn't big enough to really notice. What _was_ noticeable was the manner in which she presented himself. James had no doubt that his mother would have a fit if he ever brought a girl like the one across from him home.

"Nothing. Who's your friend?"

"Oh her?" Sirius snickered. "This is Violet, she's a shopkeeper."

"_Viola_," Viola corrected him.

"Right, that. Hey Prongs. Hey Prongs. Guess what?"

James ignored Sirius's redundancy and played along.

"What?"

"Violet's got a friend around here somewhere. And guess what, Prongs."

"What?" James said again.

"Her, friend, loves, deer." Sirius put a large emphasis on each successive word before leaning back and descending into a fit of laughter. He took a swig straight from the bottle of firewhisky and then offered it up to Viola, who matched his enthusiasm for the drink.

It was hard to resist the urge to hide his face in his hands, but somehow James managed. His friend's glee drew a few more looks from disturbed patrons, but the trio in the back seemed too engrossed in their own conversation to notice. Despite himself, James was curious as to what they were talking about. He hadn't been happy about Sirius's idea to follow their classmates, but since they had, they might as well do it right.

"Excuse me," James said to the two.

"Oooooh, are we making you uncomfortable, Prongs?" Sirius scooted closer to the witch and threw an arm around her. She snuggled into his side and nuzzled her nose against his neck. It was truly a sickening sight.

"I just need a bit of fresh air. I'll be back in a minute."

James ducked out of the front door as inconspicuously as he could. When he was outside he did a quick bit of transfiguration on himself. His hair lightened and grew considerably, his nose bulged slightly, and he took the liberty of adding a few years of maturity, complete with a stubble. Moments after he left the bar, he pushed through the door and back into its murky depths.

He moved straight past Sirius and the witch, ignoring the snog-fest that they had initiated with each other. He took a seat at the end of the bar close to where Avery and Mulciber were engrossed in a conversation. He tried casting an eavesdropping spell, but it seemed that the entirety of the bar was warded against such charms. He was going to have to do things the old fashioned way.

He ordered a Troll Tonic so the bartender wouldn't bother him and then did his best to listen in to the conversation happening a few meters away. The din of voices made it difficult, but he was able to pick out Avery's distinctive voice.

"—fathers were happy... initation... what is... bidding... eager to..."

There was a sharp silence, and James got the impression that Avery had been cut off.

"do not speak... this place... too many..."

Suddenly all James heard from their direction was a dull buzzing sound. He had tried to eavesdrop on Snape enough times to be familiar with his nemesis's spell to prevent such an act. He sighed and tried to ignore the implications of those two knowing that spell, and the fact that they seemed to be meeting with some sort of Death Eater recruiter. Even if he was _sure_ that he knew who the two were meeting with, there wasn't anything that he could do about it.

James pushed the tonic away and tossed a few knuts down to pay. He considered ducking back outside and changing his appearance, but ultimately he figured that nobody was paying enough attention for it to matter if he undid his transfiguration then and there.

Sirius was sitting alone when James rejoined him. He started slightly as James slid into the seat opposite him and then began giggling at his friend's questioning look.

"Violet left," he said between giggles. "I called her a... a witch... but not with a _w_... so she left, hehehehe," Sirius descended into a fit of laughter that only ended when he took another long drink from the bottle on the table. From the sound it made when it hit the wood, James suspected that it wasn't nearly as full as it had been twenty minutes earlier.

"I think you might have had enough" James said with a pointed look at the bottle.

"Nonsense. I have not yet begun to defile myself!" Sirius gave him a Cheshire smile.

"Well, in any case, I think you might be interested to know that I caught a bit of what our friends were talking about," James told him.

"Our friends?" Sirius looked confused.

James gestured to the back of the bar, where the clandestine meeting was still taking place. Sirius blinked slowly and then directed a bleary-eyed stare at the three wizards. A hint of recognition jumped onto his face.

"Oh riiiiiight. We're on the hunt, I had almost er—forgotten. But doncha worry, Prongs ol' pal, Sirius didn't forget about _you_! I think that Violet's friend is still around here somewhere. Didja know she's got a thing for deer?" Sirius swayed back and forth slowly while he spoke, and a stupid grin seemed to be permanently plastered on his face.

"Someone might have mentioned that." James gave his friend a once-over and decided that he'd had quite enough fun for one evening. He may have refused to stop drinking, but maybe a change of locale was in order. "Come on, Padfoot, we should get going."

"No!" Sirius said obstinately—and loudly. "Were's supposed to be on the _hunt!_ You're not gonna ruin _my_ fun Prongs. Nope!"

James felt heat creeping into his face at the stares they were getting. He thought he saw one of the trio in the back look his way, so he hid his face with a fake cough before trying to mollify his friend. "Alright, alright. We can stay a bit longer, but it's getting late, okay?"

"Okaaaaaay," Sirius said in a sing-song tone. He grabbed the bottle and upended it, finishing the contents with a fiery belch that smelled like a liquor cabinet. James figured that Sirius would soon be drunk enough that he'd forget about the dark wizards completely, and might be willing to at least leave the bar.

"Hey, Prongs." Sirius's eyes were wide.

"What?"

"I've got a joke." Sirius began giggling.

"What is it?"

He managed to stop giggling long enough to choke out the answer. "So... two Gryffindors walk into a bar..." the laughing fit overcame him and Sirius sank down into his chair. Mercifully, his giggles were mostly quiet enough to pass unnoticed.

"Nice one," James said without a hint of enthusiasm.

"Ya like it? Came up with it myself!" Sirius thumped his chest proudly. "Guess what else I came up with."

"What?"

"The tattoo I'm gonna get. I'm getting one, Prongs, you're not talkin' me outta it. It's gonna be one that goes right here!" He thumped his chest again. "And it's gonna say 'You should see my _other_ wand' with an arrow like this!" Sirius pointed down towards his waistband.

Despite himself, James had to crack a smile at that. He was almost tempted to let his friend do it, only to undoubtedly black out and rediscover the artwork the next time he disrobed.

"Sounds nice," James said.

"Oh ya!" Sirius seemed quite excited at the thought. "I'm gonna show it to all those stinkin' dark wizards. That'll show 'em! Stupid, dirty, dark wizards."

"Right."

There was a moment of silence, and Sirius slumped down in his seat even more. His head drooped forward and for a moment James thought that his friend had fallen asleep, but then.

"Hey, Prongsh!" Sirius's speech was starting to slur.

"What?"

"Y'know what I want, eh?"

"What's that?"

"I want wanna those tapestry thingsh like my family's got with the tree on it, y'know? But instead of all the family people on it, it's gonna be all the witches that've seen my other wand, y'know what I'm sayin'." Sirius nodded sagely at his own idea.

"Yeah, I know what you're saying."

"Yeh should get one too! Then we could compare and shtuff. But yoooou probably don't waaaant one. Because all yoooou want is Evaaaaans." He sang the last line in a way that would have made Peeves proud. As it was, it simply annoyed James.

"Bugger off," he said.

"Bugger this," Sirius flashed a rude gesture at him. "Y'know yer in loooooooove Prongsh, just admit it."

James didn't answer, and there was another moment of silence. Again, Sirius seemed to lose whatever energy he had and sunk down into his seat. James was worried that levitating his unconscious friend out of the bar might attract too much unwanted attention, but then he took another look around and figured that such a spectacle probably wasn't too uncommon there.

"Hey, Prongsh!"

James nearly smashed his head onto the table.

"What!"

"Jeeeeesh, you don't hafta yell!" Sirius practically shouted back.

"Okay, sorry," James quieted down.

"S'alright. But look look look look look! Look what I can do!"

Suddenly Sirius grew a dog's snout, and a tail appeared poking out from behind his back. James's eyes widened as he realized his friend had tried to transform into his animagus form. Apparently, it was difficult to pull that particular feat off with the better part of a bottle of firewhisky in you. James waved his wand and quickly dispelled the transfiguration, leaving Sirius looking normal.

"Heeeeey, ya ruined it!" Sirius complained. Now his loud tone was getting more than a few dark looks.

"Sorry," James said.

"Whatever, Prongsh! Alwaysh ruinin' my fun!" His eyes lit up suddenly. "Ooh ooh ooh! Do the antler thing, Prongsh. Do the antler thing!"

By now, half the bar was staring at their booth.

"I can't right now," James said through gritted teeth.

"Aww, c'mon, do the antler thing! Do it!"

James had had enough, he stood and grabbed his friend by the sleeve and began dragging him out of the bar. Sirius started to complain, but he seemed too uncoordinated to mount an effective defense. He settled for loudly voicing his displeasure.

"C'mon! Let me have my fun! I wanna shtay! Do the antler thing!"

Fresh air had never seemed so sweet than it did when James finally got his friend out into Knockturn Alley. When they were a few paces away from the entrance to the bar, James let go of Sirius, who promptly stumbled over to a wall and vomited.

"Whoopsie!" He said, wiping his mouth.

"Merlin, Sirius, you're a mess. Come on, I need to get you home."

Sirius started to complain again, but a voice from behind informed James he had bigger problems that his uncooperative friend.

"Potter!"

James was positive that he recognized the voice and, sure enough, when he turned around it was Avery and Mulciber staring at him just meters away. The two of them looked tense, as though poised for a fight. James sincerely hoped that it didn't come to that, as he doubted Sirius would be any help, and two-on-one weren't great odds.

"Yeah," James said slowly. "What can I help you with?"

"What are you doing in Knockturn Alley?" It was Mulciber who posed the question. His voice was higher than Avery's, but there was a cruelty in it that his friend's tone lacked.

"Just passing through. Fancied a drink, so I popped in. Is that a problem?" James did his best to stand his ground without appearing aggressive.

"Yeah, it is," Avery said. "I think it's a _big_ problem."

James's response was cut short when there was a gasp behind him and Sirius suddenly rushed forward, sending James stumbling. His friend ran right up to the two dark wizards and pointed at them excitedly.

"I got them! Hunt over!"

Both Avery and Mulciber had reached for their wands, but neither had pulled them yet. It seemed they weren't too keen on a fight either. James could understand why. Even though he was of-age, he was still a Hogwarts student. As yet, Voldemort had left Hogwarts untouched, and many posited that it was because an attack on a student would be sure to rally the whole of the magical community against him.

"Hello, shnakes!" Sirius said brightly. "Didja guys know that I'm gonna get a tattoo? Whaddya think?"

Neither of the Slytherins seemed to know what to do with a drunken Sirius. James had to remark that his friend's behavior could be slightly erratic at the best of times. Alcohol seemed to exacerbate the effect.

"I'm thinkin' I'll get one on the chest, but I thought you might have shome other ideas." Sirius looked at them, and then suddenly lunged forward and ripped up the left sleeve of Mulciber's cloak. Underneath, plain as day, was a dark skull with a snake crawling out of its mouth. James's eyes widened at the dark mark. Irrevocable proof that the Slytherin had been accepted into Voldemort's ranks.

"Look! He's got a tattoo too! He'sh got one too!" Sirius hopped up and down and began cackling madly.

Mulciber, on the other hand, did not seem the least bit amused. He and Avery both produced their wands and leveled them at Sirius. James matched their movement and prayed that they weren't capable of any unforgiveables.

But before any spells could fly, James felt himself being yanked back by the collar. Avery and Mulciber's eyes widened and they shrunk back slightly as a huge figure took a step forward and similarly pulled Sirius backwards.

"I think yeh boys better get goin'." Hagrid's voice boomed inside the relatively confined alley, making it sounds even more intimidating than it might normally have. The two Slytherins nodded sharply and fled down the alley, leaving James and Sirius alone with the Hogwarts Gamekeeper.

"James an' Sirius. Whater yeh two doin' in Knockturn Alley?" Hagrid gave them a suspicious look from behind his massive beard.

"Er—Sirius fancied a drink and we didn't think that this place was too far in." James ran a hand through his hair. He was relieved to see the half giant, but his heart was still pumping with nervous energy.

"And then Prongsh wouldn't do the antler thing!" Sirius complained loudly.

Hagrid gave him a confused look and then understanding dawned on his face.

"Too much ah the firewhisky?"

James nodded.

"Alrigh', let's get yeh home."

Hagrid lifted Sirius into his arms like a child. Sirius whimpered a complaint, but quickly fell silent and rested his head against the half-giants bearded chest. Hagrid escorted them out into Diagon Alley. On James's reassurance that he could side-along apparate Sirius home, he left the two at the apparition point with an instruction to get Sirius sobered up.

Apparition could cause nausea under normal circumstances, and in Sirius's state...

"I think I'm gonna..." Sirius retched and emptied whatever was left in his stomach after his puking session in the alley.

James sighed and vanished the mess. He cast a _scourgify_ to clean his friend up and hauled him into the bedroom of the flat that he had purchased over the summer. Sirius collapsed onto the bed and began having a laughing fit again. James sighed and pulled a chair up next to the headboard, as though visiting a hospital patient.

"Hey, Prongs." Sirius seened to have regained a small bit of his cognitive functioning.

"Yeah?" James allowed himself a small smile at his friend's behavior. Now that they weren't sitting in a viper's nest, he could see the humor in the situation.

"Thanks for being my friend."

"Er—no problem, mate."

"I'm serious, Prongs." There was a pause. "Get it? I'm _Sirius_."

James smirked and rolled his eyes.

"Never heard _that _one before."

"Aw shuddup." Sirius rolled onto his side, putting his back to James.

"I think you might have gone of the rails a bit tonight, Padfoot," James said lightly.

Sirius brought his knees up to his chest and descended into another laughing attack. His friend buried his head in a pillow, but it didn't do much to muffle the noise. James wondered what could possibly be so funny that it could have his friend laughing that loudly.

"Damn that idiot," Sirius choked out between chuckles.

"Hmmm?" James wasn't sure which idiot his friend was referring to. In his experience it could be any one of a number of idiots.

"Damn him." Sirius rolled over onto his back and covered his face with his hands. Before he could though, James could a glimpse of red-rimmed watery eyes and tears tracking down his friend's face. Sirius was _crying_?

"Er—Padfoot?" James was suddenly uncomfortable. He had only ever seen his friend cry once before, and that was the day that he had been disowned by his family.

"Yeah?"

"Something up?" Despite his discomfort, he had a duty to help Sirius with whatever he could. That was what friends did.

"S'just some stupid shit," Sirius grumbled. "Doesn't really matter."

James moved around do that he could look Sirius in the eyes.

"You've been acting off all night. First you go chasing snakes into their nest. Next you get too drunk to stand. Then you go from laughing to crying in the span of a minute. Tell me what's going on, Sirius."

Sirius inhaled sharply and stared back at James. His dark eyes, that so often seemed to be laughing, now showed nothing but a raw kind of pain that worried James immensely. He searched his mind for something that could have happened that would have made Sirius so upset, but he couldn't come up with anything. For a long moment, James thought that Sirius was going to leave him in the dark, but then his friend sank into the bed and spoke slowly, as though trying carefully to pick every word correctly through his otherwise inebriated state.

"Reg joined the Death Eaters last week. Got the mark and everything. He's one of You-Know-Who's lapdogs now."

"Reg? You mean, your brother?"

Sirius closed his eyes and nodded. James blew out a breath he'd been holding.

"Damn, that's rough..." James put his elbows on his knees and grabbed a lock of hair in each hand. The night kept getting stranger. "Er—I don't mean to pry, but... I thought you and Regulus didn't really get along?" Sirius almost never spoke of his brother, and when he did it was usually as the butt of a joke about Slytherins. James had gathered that the two of them didn't share the best relationship. But on the other hand, he had also never heard his friend disparage Regulus like his parents.

"I know, I know." Sirius sniffed. "We haven't even spoken since I left, but... he's still my little brother. Y'know? I never wanted him to get caught up in that shit. But I guess that was too much to ask." Sirius laughed bitterly.

James in fact did _not_ know what Sirius was talking about, being an only child, but he thought that it was probably similar to the relationship the two of them shared with each other and the other Marauders. No matter how mad they might be at each other, they were still friends in the end.

"I'm sorry, Sirius." It was all that James could think to say.

"Thanks."

Again, there was silence between them. Sirius was lying on the bed with his eyes closed and his hands above his head. His ragged breathing began to even out, and soon he seemed to be much more relaxed. James thought that he had fallen asleep, so he slowly made to leave the room and transfigure himself something comfortable to sleep on our of the couch. He was halfway to the door when Sirius called out to him.

"Prongs."

"Yeah?"

Sirius hadn't moved at all, but his eyes were open and focused on James.

"Thanks for being here."

"Anytime," James said with conviction.

"I think I'm gonna go to sleep now." Sirius rolled onto his side, not even bothering with the covers.

"That's probably a good idea," James responded reasonably. He made for the door again, but Sirius called out just as he was reaching for the handle.

"Hey Prongs."

"Yeah?"

Sirius propped his head up and fixed James with a very serious look.

"Will you do the antler thing?"

"Get bent."

James heard Sirius chuckling as he closed the door to the bedroom behind him. He reflected that laughter was something Sirius seemed to bring along wherever he went. No matter what the situation, his best friend could almost always get him smiling. For that, he would always be grateful.

* * *

**(A/N):** I wanted to write a Sirius-centric story since he's the only one of the (good) Marauders I hadn't really written about. Hope you enjoyed this. Thanks for reading.


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